Image via 20th Century Fox

Deadpool: Most Useless X-Men

In honor of this weekend’s release of Deadpool 2, we’re taking a look at the finer things in life. The type of things that would bring the Merc with a Mouth joy. The type of things that will make you want some alone time, or a nice chimichanga, or to get back the last five to ten minutes of your life.

Right now we’re taking a look at the most useless X-Men. Like what do they even do besides fight themselves. What’s the fucking point. Let me guess, in the next film a big bad guy is going to come in, manipulate Magneto, and at the end Xavier has to appeal to Magneto’s humanity and their friendship to save the world. We’ve seen it 6 god damn times. Give us something new for fuck’s sake.

Jubilee

10. Jubilee

She makes fireworks. Which is cool for New Year’s Eve. But let’s be honest, who would ever want to get a handjob from this chick. And I mean they’re high schoolers, and led by the second biggest boy scout after Superman. He probably hasn’t even gotten laid himself. Also, isn’t she just a female Gambit but more sparkly…

Beast
“Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs”

9. Beast

All he fucking does is shed and shit on people’s lawns. Fuck that guy.

Gambit

8. Gambit

Jubilee is a little better because she’s a chick. But Again, same issue. Also Channing Tatum, stop trying to steal Ryan Reynold’s schtick. It doesn’t work as well for you. You’re great and everything. But come on man, how hard is it to find a director and put this shit together. If Reynolds could find Tim Miller, you can find someone. Seriously. Ask Jonah Hill about Scorsese or something. Jesus.

Rogue

7. Rogue

“Hey, I’m going to steal all my friends’ powers so that I can be a member of the team!” How the fuck is she not a villain.

Angel

6. Angel

So. Like. You have wings. And you can fly. And that’s it? Ben Foster deserves so much better than that. #TuckerAndBeccaForever

Cable

5. Cable

To understand all of his backstory you’d need a PHD in comic books. And only someone without a life would go that far. (Well that or a Bronie.)

Dazzler

4. Dazzler

If you mixed the 80’s and Taylor Swift into one mutant trying it’s best not to be Jem and the Holograms, you’d get Dazzler. Also see: Jubilee. (What in the fuck is with X-Men and colorful explosions. Seriously.)

Colossus

3. Colossus

“Let’s take a Russian guy. Paint him in chrome. Set him loose.” He’s like some sort of allegory for Donald Trump of something.

Cyclops

2. Cyclops

This guy is the biggest pussy in the Marvel Universe. (Fox, Disney, Comics, whatever) I’m surprised The Donald hasn’t squeezed him yet. (That was weak)…

I’m surprised Jean Grey stayed with him for so long. Too bad he got killed off screen. Like how terrible of a character do you have to be to be killed off screen. How much do people have to think, man he really doesn’t fucking matter at all. Man this team is so much better without him. Man this guy is so fucking worthless. Man the only thing more worthless than this guy would be a dead guy. (I’m sorry, I just got thrown off after that first one. It was so easy, I just couldn’t not go for it. But you deserve better. And we both know that. I’m gonna take some time. Work on myself. Maybe make a musical no one will give a fuck about for at first, and then everyone will start seeing after I try to win an Oscar for it. And then I’ll just be like, what’s the fucking point now… What was I talking about.) Speaking of-

Hugh Jackman

1. Wolverine

No comment necessary.

Deadpool 2 Poster
Image via Disney Junior
This Article Does Not truly reflect the views or opinions of us here at Poor Man’s Spoiler. It is a Parody. A joke. A chance to build on the hype train. So don’t be a dick about it.
Also, Fox, Disney, Marvel, whoever owns Deadpool at this point- in no way endorses this material. I doubt they’ll even see it. But if they do, we apologize, and please don’t sue. We have no money and no lawyers.
We’ve also seen a lot of Law & Order, and I mean I know everyone has. The show has been on for fucking years. But we’ve seriously studied it. Especially Raúl Esparza. We can drink in that tall glass of water every single fucking day.
Did you know he was on Hannibal. That was such an underrated show.
Eddie Izzard was on that too.
Raúl Esparza and Eddie Izzard!
If you haven’t seen the show, you need to. It’s so good.
Also it may make you want to become a cannibal yourself.
The way they make those dishes.
Jesus.
Also, I don’t think I could ever get enough of Mads Mikkelsen.
He’s so damn good in everything he does.
His performance in Doctor Strange, and that whole role is severely underrated.
He’s just really the type of actor that I think we take for granted.
One day he’ll be gone, and we’ll think, why, why didn’t we appreciate him more.
Like Bear in the Big Blue House.
We didn’t appreciate Bear enough.
And now He’s a rug in Bob Iger’s Office.
Luna is pissed.
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