In honor of this weekend’s release of Deadpool 2, we’re taking a look at the finer things in life. The type of things that would bring the Merc with a Mouth joy. The type of things that will make you want some alone time, or a nice chimichanga, or to get back the last five to ten minutes of your life.
Right now we’re taking a look at the most useless X-Men. Like what do they even do besides fight themselves. What’s the fucking point. Let me guess, in the next film a big bad guy is going to come in, manipulate Magneto, and at the end Xavier has to appeal to Magneto’s humanity and their friendship to save the world. We’ve seen it 6 god damn times. Give us something new for fuck’s sake.
She makes fireworks. Which is cool for New Year’s Eve. But let’s be honest, who would ever want to get a handjob from this chick. And I mean they’re high schoolers, and led by the second biggest boy scout after Superman. He probably hasn’t even gotten laid himself. Also, isn’t she just a female Gambit but more sparkly…
All he fucking does is shed and shit on people’s lawns. Fuck that guy.
Jubilee is a little better because she’s a chick. But Again, same issue. Also Channing Tatum, stop trying to steal Ryan Reynold’s schtick. It doesn’t work as well for you. You’re great and everything. But come on man, how hard is it to find a director and put this shit together. If Reynolds could find Tim Miller, you can find someone. Seriously. Ask Jonah Hill about Scorsese or something. Jesus.
“Hey, I’m going to steal all my friends’ powers so that I can be a member of the team!” How the fuck is she not a villain.
So. Like. You have wings. And you can fly. And that’s it? Ben Foster deserves so much better than that. #TuckerAndBeccaForever
To understand all of his backstory you’d need a PHD in comic books. And only someone without a life would go that far. (Well that or a Bronie.)
If you mixed the 80’s and Taylor Swift into one mutant trying it’s best not to be Jem and the Holograms, you’d get Dazzler. Also see: Jubilee. (What in the fuck is with X-Men and colorful explosions. Seriously.)
“Let’s take a Russian guy. Paint him in chrome. Set him loose.” He’s like some sort of allegory for Donald Trump of something.
This guy is the biggest pussy in the Marvel Universe. (Fox, Disney, Comics, whatever) I’m surprised The Donald hasn’t squeezed him yet. (That was weak)…
I’m surprised Jean Grey stayed with him for so long. Too bad he got killed off screen. Like how terrible of a character do you have to be to be killed off screen. How much do people have to think, man he really doesn’t fucking matter at all. Man this team is so much better without him. Man this guy is so fucking worthless. Man the only thing more worthless than this guy would be a dead guy. (I’m sorry, I just got thrown off after that first one. It was so easy, I just couldn’t not go for it. But you deserve better. And we both know that. I’m gonna take some time. Work on myself. Maybe make a musical no one will give a fuck about for at first, and then everyone will start seeing after I try to win an Oscar for it. And then I’ll just be like, what’s the fucking point now… What was I talking about.) Speaking of-
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