Image via 20th Century Fox

Deadpool: Most F##kable Spider-Man

In honor of this weekend’s release of Deadpool 2, we’re taking a look at the finer things in life. The type of things that would bring the Merc with a Mouth joy. The type of things that will make you want some alone time, or a nice chimichanga, or to get back the last five to ten minutes of your life.

We know what you’re thinking. This may be too far. Spider-Man is a national treasure. But I promise, we don’t mean screw him over. We mean the Spider-Man we want to lover tenderly and intimately. The one we hold closest to our hearts. The Spider-Man that we love to fight crime and fall in love with. The Spider-Man that makes it okay when people confuse Deadpool and Spider-Man. The one that warms our cuckolds. (Am I using that word right? I never know.)

Tobey
Image via Bruce Campbell

6. Tobey Maguire – Spider-Man 1-3

He may have helped bring the web head to the big screen for the first time, but do you really want to see this face in the heat of the moment. No thank you.

Holland
Image via Benedict Cumbersnatch

5. Tom Holland – MCU Spider-Man

Listen, I know he’s a little cutie patootie, but he’s just too young. And homie don’t play that game.

Bell
Image via Amanda Bynes

4. Drake Bell – Ultimate Spider-Man

Okay, we may have only heard his voice, but come on. Have you seen this man. He makes us feel things in places we didn’t even know still had feelings.

Genius Junior - Season 1
Image via Kal Penn

3. Neal Patrick Harris – CGI MTV Spider-Man

Another voice actor on the list, but can you blame us. NPH is one sexy mother fucker. And not just in the, man he’s good looking. This is the type of man you want to make a family with, and build a life together. He’s sexy on every single level.

Garfield
Image via Hollywood Foreign Press

2. Andrew Garfield – Amazing Spider-Man

The movies may not have panned out, but this Spider-Man’s got it. And I hear he has the softest, most amazing lips in all of Hollywood.

Hammond
Image via Kevin Spacey

1. Nicholas Hammond – 70’s Spider-Man

The OG live action Spider-Man. The man who made Spider-Man a household name. The man who showed us what true great power looks like. The man who gave us everything we love about Spider-Man. Alright most of that isn’t true. But you want to talk about a Spider-Man we can get behind, and under, and on top of. This is it. He can do-re-mi anytime.

These guys aren’t the only ones to play Spider-Man but they’re the only ones that matter. And the only ones that give us that special kind of feeling.

Image via 20th Century Fox

Image via 20th Century Fox
Poster via Michael Eisner
This Article Does Not truly reflect the views or opinions of us here at Poor Man’s Spoiler. It is a Parody. A joke. A chance to build on the hype train. So don’t be a dick about it.
Also, Fox, Disney, Marvel, whoever owns Deadpool at this point- in no way endorses this material. I doubt they’ll even see it. But if they do, we apologize, and please don’t sue. We have no money and no lawyers.
Ya know Bear in the Big Blue House really was a wonderful program.
In a way it was like Mister Rogers or The Wire.
One of those classic TV shows that just redefine television.
That make you feel good about yourself.
I think the only thing to come close to that in recent years is probably The Deuce or Bubble Guppies.
Can I just say that the dance at the beginning of Bubble Guppies is really fucking adorable.
And the fact that they got Tino Insana to play Mr. Grouper.
Fucking genius.
I miss that man more than I miss my mother.
And I miss my mother at least once a year.
Maybe once every other year.
Depends on the year.
And the mother.
I’m gonna go jack off to pictures of Nicholas Hammond now.
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