In honor of this weekend’s release of Deadpool 2, we’re taking a look at the finer things in life. The type of things that would bring the Merc with a Mouth joy. The type of things that will make you want some alone time, or a nice chimichanga, or to get back the last five to ten minutes of your life.
We know what you’re thinking. This may be too far. Spider-Man is a national treasure. But I promise, we don’t mean screw him over. We mean the Spider-Man we want to lover tenderly and intimately. The one we hold closest to our hearts. The Spider-Man that we love to fight crime and fall in love with. The Spider-Man that makes it okay when people confuse Deadpool and Spider-Man. The one that warms our cuckolds. (Am I using that word right? I never know.)
6. Tobey Maguire – Spider-Man 1-3
He may have helped bring the web head to the big screen for the first time, but do you really want to see this face in the heat of the moment. No thank you.
5. Tom Holland – MCU Spider-Man
Listen, I know he’s a little cutie patootie, but he’s just too young. And homie don’t play that game.
4. Drake Bell – Ultimate Spider-Man
Okay, we may have only heard his voice, but come on. Have you seen this man. He makes us feel things in places we didn’t even know still had feelings.
3. Neal Patrick Harris – CGI MTV Spider-Man
Another voice actor on the list, but can you blame us. NPH is one sexy mother fucker. And not just in the, man he’s good looking. This is the type of man you want to make a family with, and build a life together. He’s sexy on every single level.
2. Andrew Garfield – Amazing Spider-Man
The movies may not have panned out, but this Spider-Man’s got it. And I hear he has the softest, most amazing lips in all of Hollywood.
1. Nicholas Hammond – 70’s Spider-Man
The OG live action Spider-Man. The man who made Spider-Man a household name. The man who showed us what true great power looks like. The man who gave us everything we love about Spider-Man. Alright most of that isn’t true. But you want to talk about a Spider-Man we can get behind, and under, and on top of. This is it. He can do-re-mi anytime.
These guys aren’t the only ones to play Spider-Man but they’re the only ones that matter. And the only ones that give us that special kind of feeling.