In honor of this weekend’s release of Deadpool 2, we’re taking a look at the finer things in life. The type of things that would bring the Merc with a Mouth joy. The type of things that will make you want some alone time, or a nice chimichanga, or to get back the last five to ten minutes of your life.
Today we’re looking at the sexiest beast that’s ever hit the silver screen or the smaller screens. And no we’re not talking about Kelsey Grammer. (Holt can’t hold a candle to his tossed salad and scrambled eggs) We’re talking about mother fucking Unicorns.
These Unicorns are only seen momentarily. But as a child, they bring about some wonderful feelings of joy and sexual awakening. It may have been hard to explain to your parents why you wanted to watch Fantasia over and over again. Or why you kept stealing your sister’s stuffed unicorn after experiencing the film for the first time. But you never forget your first love.
Lady Amalthea from The Last Unicorn
Amalthea taught us how to truly love. She taught us how difficult life could be. And she looked fucking gorgeous doing it. The Fantasia Unicorns may have been the root of childhood sexual awakening. But Amalthea was a straight up, puberty inducing goddess. Just look at her. Fucking gorgeous.
Charlie the Unicorn
At the birth of the internet there were four things. Al Gore, Jeff Bezos hiding in Al Gore’s closet, someone taping Jeff Bezos jacking off in Al Gore’s closet, and Charlie the Unicorn. The mixture of these things created the internet as we know it. These are facts. Charlie is why the Internet is so god damn Sexy. Al Gore is why the internet makes no sense. The porn you can blame on Bezos’ camera man. Everything bad in this world is literally because of Bezos. Everything wonderful comes from Bezos’ camera man. His identity is still the greatest mystery of modern times. (I got my money on Rudy Giuliani.)
Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony
When we were kids, My Little Pony was different. It was just another cartoon for girls, made to sell toys. But the new version of My Little Pony has brought out some really weird fucks out of the woodwork. Look up pictures of Bronies. We’ll wait…
Fucking creepy ass nerds right? Right. Now that being said. Rainbow Dash has reignited some sort of childlike wonder in all of us Unicorn enthusiasts. (And it helps that the fandom is full of disturbed and brutally twisted fucks that constantly create beautiful/abominabal fan fiction and fan art. Unicorn porn is much easier to find in recent years because of it.)
Fuck you Bronies.
Unicorn from The Cabin in the Woods
That sexy mother fucker was one serious badass. Majestic and murderous. We’ve got the best kind of boner right now.
Keep following Poor Man’s Spoiler for all of our Deadpool coverage, and many more Deadpool inspired articles. We’d say we’re sorry, but we’re not…
This Article Does Not truly reflect the views or opinions of us here at Poor Man’s Spoiler. It is a Parody. A joke. A chance to build on the hype train. So don’t be a dick about it.
Also, Fox, Disney, Marvel, whoever owns Deadpool at this point in no way endorses this material. I doubt they’ll even see it. But if they do, we apologize, and please don’t sue. We have no money and no lawyers.
We did watch a lot of Boston Legal.
And The Practice.
But that show seriously dipped in value when Dylan McDermott left the show.
Also, whatever happened to Camryn Manheim, because she is one badass bitch. And we mean that in the best way possible.
Oh she was in Waco… I wanted to see that. But I just didn’t.
I’m probably not going to.
But I mean- Taylor Kitsch?
Bad memories associated with that dude…
Do you guys remember Out of the Box? That was the shit.