(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
When you spend a lot of time in a basement, you end up playing a lot of video games and teaching yourself how to type with jumpstart games you may or may not have taken from the neighbors house while they slept. You also watch a lot of dollar bin movies your dad buys for you to keep quiet. That being said, I am an expert on video games, movies, and video game movies. Here are 10 movies I think could break the curse of bad video game movies:
Rapture is an enticing world were the seaweed could not be greener. From drugged up splicers to big guys in metal suits who want you to call them daddy, this film would have everything. To top it off, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would star as a man with only a map to guide him to the Disney look alike who runs the place. Would you kindly see it?
Russia is dropping giant bricks from Sputnik 2.0 while blasting weird retro dubstep. It’s up to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to build a wall of friendship and de-escalate the new Cold War. It’ll be like Pixels, but good.
A post-apocalyptic dystopia full of genetically modified people and animals, limited supplies, and interesting characters. They would be mad to make this film, but what a lovely day it would be to see it.
7. Sonic & Knuckles
We need to film this before it is too late. When Danny Devito looks exactly like one of the characters, you have to strike while the iron is hot. He’s got the hair, the body, the demeanor; he’d just be a perfect Sonic. Andy Serkis could be an Eggman in mocap and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson can be Knuckles. I’ll go ahead and set up a GoFundMe page.
6. Far Cry 3
Easily the game that redefined the franchise. Imagine how cool it would be to see one of the craziest most unstable villains on the big screen played by one of the craziest most unstable actors: Jared Leto. Not pictured, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Jason Brody.
5. The Sims
More philosophical than other items on my list. Picture a movie about an omnipotent being who manipulates things to their wishes by making them play the solo from “Careless Whisper” on repeat for 8 hours straight to make them better at music. Then, he traps them in the bathroom and removes all the doors.
I’m not going to lie. These games make no sense to me. Neither does this picture. But try and tell me you wouldn’t see it!
This one is for all the kiddos. This movie is here to teach your kids to never give up. When life keeps throwing semis at you, you just keep on hoppin’… Good luck getting across the river, though, those logs are bullshit.
2. Space Cadet Pinball in 3-D
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Major Tom who must work with ground control to stop bouncing around from astral event to astral event. He’ll have to cross 100,000 miles on his journey home.
1. Super Smash Bros: The Movie
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson gets back to cooking up some beatdowns as Waluigui, who wants nothing more than to prove he is too good to just be an assist trophy. I mean, come on Nintendo, how many more Fire Emblem characters are you going to squeeze in there before the internet rampages?
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be ready by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)