(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)

Really though! I can’t be the only one who has noticed that he’s written a lot about vampires recently. That’s like, the only thing he’s written about. I think he may be obsessed. We only ever see what he posts on here, though. Who’s to say he doesn’t have a shrine to Bela Lugosi next to a a Satanic star? Has anyone seen him recently? I don’t think I’ve seen him in daylight since he started writing these articles starting with Interview of the Vampire…

Let’s look at some facts:

• Eric is really pale
• He’s fairly reclusive besides events at night
• He’s reading a lot of vampire shit

Coincidence?! I think not! Does anyone know if he sparkles in sunlight? Like an abnormal amount–I wouldn’t be surprised if he did normally. I don’t think he’s gone near a church since he was in high school. Someone throw some holy on him and see what he does! At worst, he’ll be like,”WTF!” and have to spend some time awkwardly wet….worth it. Has anyone tried to stab him with a wooden stake? Did he react badly to it? If he does, he is definitely a vampires as no one else would be afraid of being stabbed with a wooden stake. I highly doubt, with that face, that he spends a lot of time in front of a mirror, so I don’t know if he has a reflection…

Does anyone know what he keeps in his spare fridge? Yeah, he’s such a pretentious bastard that he has two fridges in his apartment…I bet the mini fridge is full of blood. If anyone can confirm this for me, just let me know. I’ve seen Van Helsing like 50 times, so I know exactly what to do.

You know, My dad stays up late a lot too…and sleeps most of the day…and REALLY likes Batman. OMFG is he a BAT MAN?!?!?! Send help! Trapped in basement with possible vampires nearby. It may be too late for me but,

Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)