We thought (hoped) Toby was dead. But he’s not. And he still doesn’t understand anything.
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
1. My Big Fat Italian Mama Mia
- Mama Mia and My Big Fat Greek Wedding are aimed at the same audience…and those women probably have children. Why not add Nintendo characters as the main characters and now you can bring the kids too! Plus, we all know that DK stands for Dancing Kween.
2. Ash vs The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
- Set to classical music, a one man killing machine must battle a Sorcerer, his apprentice, and their army of anthropomorphic brooms brought to life with the Necronomicon. It’s a shame they haven’t seen his chainsaw hand or his boom stick.
3. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
- An edgelord must infiltrate the Yakuza to solve the murder and recover the jade blade. There are as many dark and brooding scenes to bloat the run time as there are fight scenes that go on far too long. BUT IT WILL LOOK GORGEOUS!
4. The Miracle Worker 2: ft the Rabbids
- These poor creatures are only able to communicate by blabbering cacophonies and obnoxious movements. These desperate attempts at expression have gotten them several seasons on television for parents to suffer through. No more I say! If the miracle worker can help Helen Keller, imagine what she can do with the Rabbids…and maybe my hump?
5. Tangled up in Blue Valentine
- We’ve seen the typical “happily ever after” time and time again. In fact, they are making “live-action” versions of the same damn story thinking that’s what we want…again. Let’s instead see what happens when happily ever after only looks good on paper as we watch Rapunzel and Flynn’s relationship crumble….set to better music than anything in Frozen or Frozen 2. Fite. Me.
6. Coco 2: The Boy in the Striped Poncho
- When Miguel plays a little too close to the border for the asylum seekers, he is picked up by ICE agents and separated from his family. The only thing that gets him through the day are the visits from a real American boy. It might play out similarly as The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, but at least Miguel gets to join his family.
7. P.S. I Love You Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
- A woman must follow the clues left by her late husband in order to track down his murderer and uncover a plot that’s been decades in the making. On the way, she uncovers a true sense of worth and learns to love again.
8. Boss Baby Driver
- Baby is released from Prison on a work-release system in order to drive for a spy agency. Imagine his surprise when he learns his boss is an actual baby!
9. A Beautiful Day to Die Hard
- From the producers trying to find an aging actor to replicate Taken comes an attempt to scream “I’m not old!” out into the void of Hollywood. When the son of Tony Vreski’s roommate seeks revenge, John McClane will have to enlist help from a friendly old man. These terrorist came to the wrong neighborhood as Fred Rogers will swear off his vow of non-violence and teach them a lesson in pain – he’ll just need to put on his ass-kicking loafers. Join Bruce Willis and Tom Hanks in the land of make-believe in a summer coming soon…maybe…
10. Miami Vice
- “ToBy ThAt’S aLrEaDy A tHiNg!” No shit, you don’t think a guy who lives in a basement and was raised by daytime television doesn’t know that? How dare you, I’m only shaped like a Neanderthal, you speciesist! No, this is the same idea, but instead the white guy is replace with Christian Bale with the Dick Cheney make up. Not as Dick Cheney, the make-up person accidentally glued it on.