In honor of April Fool’s Day we’re letting Toby take over, and reposting all of his work on the site. Enjoy, and we apologize.
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
1. Major TV Channel Producers
We don’t need another damn cop show with the same damn plots and the same damn cliches.
2. Jon Bernthal’s Blood-Curdling Death Grunts
I’m pretty sure that if I ever heard those walking down the stairs of my basement, I’d just give up and embrace the punishment I apparently deserve.
Everyone start watching the Simpsons again just to taunt them into trying to cancel it like all your other favorite shows.
4. Chris Carter
I really liked the first few seasons of X-files.
Here’s a review of my thoughts now:
5. The Cruel God in Infomercials
Those poor souls are stuck dealing with the Shamwow guy, cutting bread with a door stop, and fumbling around like Vincent D’Onofrio in MIB. There is clearly no messiah in this world, as the inhabitants are still paying for their sins.
6. The entity that decides to pull your favorite show from your streaming service
Oh, your on the last season of Bob’s Burgers? It would be a shame if someone where to…I don’t know…pull out of their contract!
Otherwise known as the 3-eyed monstrosity that could not have existed if Caesar was there. Paul waves and says hello – seems friendly, right? Well, so did Ted Bundy! I’m just glad that he came after Gozer so we didn’t have Paul as the face of our destroyer.
8. The Next Season of Supernatural
The real supernatural aspect of this show is that it refuses, much like its main characters, to die and stay dead. At this point, I can only assume the producers have a vendetta against the Simpsons and just intend to outlast it. Behold: the Evel Knievel of Shark Jumping!
9. Matt Groening
Oh, he who can see the future and tries to warn us of our fate. What will the Simpsons do next, relay to us the future so that we might prevent it? We promise to continue to watch “Disenchantment” despite it being just okay and some rude shit that happened in the last two episodes.
10. Accidentally Stumbling into Rule 34
There is nothing quite so horrifying as innocently searching for something oddly specific for photoshop purposes to insert into the articles you write in your basement and coming across your childhood being sacrificed to the perverse. I had no desire to know how flexible Sonic the Hedgehog was, Internet! So from most of us: Stop it.gif