Somehow, Toby saw Avengers Endgame… Or what he thinks was Avengers: Endgame. We’re not sure…
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
Yelling and screaming that everything is bad is the greatest way to differentiate my contributions to this blog from all the other blogs out there. I am the only one that is doing this and I am the only one that speaks for you.
After sneaking into the local movie theatre and watching Avengers: End Game early, I can say that it does not live up to the hype. For one, they completely ignored my change.org petition to remove SJW Brie Larson from the film for being sexist and promoting female power when men can be just as powerful as women. I mean, who’s to say that a man couldn’t be the most powerful person in the universe or at least be powerful enough to beat Thanos? Just because the liberal agenda?
They also are completely ignoring the people’s desire to have Ant-Man crawl up Thanos’ ass and then expand. Are you forgetting where your success comes from Marvel? WE come to see YOUR movies. WE give you OUR money. The least YOU can do is throw us a freaking bone.
Where do you get off making us sit through 3 hours and 2 minutes of your crap when you can’t even handle two simple requests? What do you think this film is going to be, the next Return of the King? Get real! You’ve created a cultural phenomenon and undertook a project so vast that it was unprecedented in film, and yet you couldn’t get an Oscar if you tried. DC has more Oscars than you because of this. All of your efforts amount to what? Money? That won’t matter in 40 years. Heaven Can Wait was one of the highest grossing films of 1978, but you don’t hear anyone talking about that movie or wanting to remake it. Suicide Squad, a terrible movie, has an Oscar and you do not. DC even tried to pick up your leftovers with James Gunn because that film was so bad, and it still won an Oscar.
You think this mess is going to do it for you? Actors are leaving your franchise after this film. Look what you did to Captain America. Chris Evans is gone! He’s probably going to go dye his black and play Batman…bet he’ll win an Oscar for that too.
This film is as bad as whatever the makeup/hair designer did to Jeremy Renner’s head. Is that supposed to look cool? He looks like Pepe Le Pew got inspired by Billy Ray Cyrus. Seriously, I don’t even think the designers for Suicide Squad would do that.
The writing of this movie is even more stupid though. You have a bunch of people pissed off that Thanos solved the overpopulation issue and want to go kick some purple butt…but they are stuck on earth….and he has the Infinity Stones in some capacity. How are you going to catch the guy who can teleport at a moment’s notice to any other part of the galaxy? He doesn’t even need six stones to do that, just one. The premise of this movie forces you to suspend your disbelief past the point of rational thought so that we can conclude this story and have Tom Holland show us London as Spider-Man. Thanos won. The end. What are the Avengers going to do, avenge NASA and have them build a rocketship? Unlikely as the president says that wind turbines can cause cancer; imagine what he thinks rocket ships can do.
If you want my opinion, skip End Game and go see Alita: Battle Angel. Thanks to all of you that read me. If you truly wish to support me and see more articles like this, here’s a link to my patreon.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)