Inspired by Avengers: Endgame, Toby is going all out with his idea for a Cinematic Universe. It’s a good thing he lives in a basement…
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)
This one is a real treat folks. Honestly, probably my favorite of the Monster Mashers: the Invisible Man. His story, like many of our merry band of misfits, is a tragic one, so cry now or something idk.
Alexander Delano Lancaster was born to a young poor family in Florida. His mother was a scientist that worked day and night to expose the government conspiracy that is “chemtrails”. She was so devoted to this work that it created a deep divide in her marriage and the couple eventually split. From his dad, Lancaster learned essential life lessons like “Pop Tarts are totally okay to eat for dinner as long as you didn’t have them for breakfast,” and “Batman is the only superhero that matters and everyone else just wishes they were Batman.” These lessons were instilled in this prodigal son and he lived with those lessons in his heart.
One day, while munching on a Wildlicious Wildberry and reading The Long Halloween, the worst happened. His dad received a call that his mother was dead. The corrupt members of the United States government had killed his mom to silence her and stop her from exposing their involvement with the chemtrail take over. If only her young assistant, Alex Jones, had gotten off so easy; they gave him a partial lobotomy and destroyed any semblance of credibility he had. He spends his days rambling about gay frogs and how the Holocaust was fake; distracting from real issues like chemtrails.
Alexander D. Lancaster would not let his mother die in vain. He decided that going to school to be a scientist at a large state university was the easiest way to get noticed. Instead, he did the smartest thing possible – studied theatre at a small liberal arts college in the midwest so unknown that people that lived 30 minutes away had no idea where it was. The attack was now on three fronts: the lab, the stage, and the streets. When not working to hone his theatrical abilities, Lancaster was either in his lab developing a cure or taking to the night like Batman to beat up the evil doers!
Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to get stupid jacked to fight the good fight, or they’d know it was him for sure, instead relying on outsmarting them like Batman would really do in a good adaptation. His mind was his sharpest weapon, and it worked tirelessly for a cure. All that changed though when he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world at this particular point in time in his life. I don’t know her name, but we will call her Catwoman, because I fucking can. Fite Me! Any way, Catwoman and my da-Lancaster fell in love and decided they wanted to have a super smart and awesome baby that didn’t have any weird malformation or odd backstories. They intercepted a stork on a night raid and brought their little baby home. Lancaster continued his work, but raising a child is hard. Burnt out from exhaustion, buried in chemtrails, poisoned by Bushes, and left out now to fail, Catwoman did her best to shelter him from the storm, not knowing the real crisis was looming.
The government had found out about Catwoman, his son, and his work to expose chemtrails and had sent an assassin to stop him. While working on a cure to chemtrails the assassin shot a prototype nuclear powered electric ray gun. Catwoman, with a baby in her arms, tried to shield him from the blast to prevent them all from dying and stopping his important work. She leaped to martyrdom, not knowing what was in store. The blast still managed to hit the vial of the cure and caused a reaction. Catwoman and the child were ripped into the space-time continuum that keeps Supernatural on tv long past its prime and sent them back in time. Lancaster’s physiological makeup was torn and he discovered that he now was invisible. Heartbroken and beaten, Lancaster vowed to avenge the family he lost and find a way to bring them back. Years and years he spent Batman-ing his way through agency after agency in order to replicate the reaction that made him a killer and widower. After years of progress, Lancaster was able to partially achieve his goal. He was able to return his original appearance and is now able to turn invisible at will. He was also able to collect his son from the past, but the boy was a little worse for the wear. Catwoman, I’m afraid, had died. I’ll get more into their story in a later thing though. For now, it was enough, and Lancaster retreated to his den to contemplate what to do next and split a package of Brown Sugar Cinnamon with his son.
There are some that will say that none of this is true. Some more bold would even say that he keeps the son in an underground shelter away from the world and slides Pop-Tarts and Capri Suns down there to satisfy the beast he locked away. More would say that he doesn’t even like the son and that he can’t even be bothered to remember his birthday, April 1st. We all know the truth though…that he’s totally present in the kids life and this isn’t an overly complicated metaphor….yeah…we know that. COME BACK DAD, I’LL CHANGE!
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)
A Note From Poor Man’s Spoiler
(None of this represents anything real, it is, once again, a satirical piece. No harm is meant to any parties involved. Especially the people “Toby” has cast in the roles of the classic film monsters.)