Toby continues his own Cinematic Universe and goes deep into the depths of fan fiction… Why. We’re not sure…
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)
Get ready to roll over for the next member of The Monster Mashers. It would be a real hairbrained move to go up against him in a fight; the Wolfman!
Have you ever seen Tim Allen’s “The Shaggy Dog?” His back story is kind of like that, except not the same old, tired story about a dad who spends too much time at work and not enough time with his kids. One turns into a ravenous killing machine with the strength of a coked-out bodybuilder bent on destroying the world of men, the other is our wolfman.
Randolf Maan (Randy) was on a business trip to make a sales pitch for a potential client in a forgotten town trying to revitalize its economy. Like if Cleveland and Detroit had an oops baby one night after binge drinking away their collective pain of being terrible. The sports teams in this town are also just as terrible, so there is absolutely nothing to do in this town but drink. Unfortunately, Randy is a recovering alcoholic so even that’s not an option. He just has to make it to the weekend though, as his family is going to pick him up on their way to some awesome theme park. After flipping back and forth between the three channels he is able to pick up in his hotel room, Randy decided that taking a walk is probably still more fun than sitting there.
Randy began his perusal through the remnants of a once proud town. The vacant buildings telling their own tales. Literally, instead of murals or graffiti someone actually wrote out the history of the buildings. Isn’t that weird, who has time for that? Anyway, the town sheriff decided he had nothing to do but bother the out of town black guy – go figure. He warns the man that weird things tend to happen in this town at night and he’d be much better sticking to his hotel room. Randy blows it all up to racism and continues onward. Approaching the center of town, Randy noticed a sign for a fortune teller. Randy didn’t particularly believe in such things, but he figured it might kill an hour or two if nothing else. He descended the stairs to the corridor below.
The fortune teller’s shop was about as cliché as it got. Some white guy probably would have started poking his nose into shit and start The Conjuring 4. Randy, though, knew better and was just going to play this by the book, waste an hour or two and probably go back to his room. The fortune teller appeared in a puff of smoke that made weebs who think they mastered ninjutsu and run like anime characters seem more legit. “This is going to be good,” Randy thought to himself.
“I am The Great Madame Ximbonidoni. Allow me to tell your future for $35. If you pay $45 I will throw in the Ximbonidoni magic wash rag: make your messes disappear with a cloth more absorbent than the leading paper towel,” the fortune teller announced.
“Just the $35 dollar one will be fine, thank you,” Randy replied.
“Suit yourself, it’s a $25 dollar value…” She said expecting a reply. After a pregnant moment of silence, she continued, “Sit down then, let me get a read on you. Alright, give me your hands and close your eyes and keep them closed no matter what you hear. I’m calling spirits from another world to aid us in seeing beyond the linear passage of time. I cannot say yet what these spirits will say and do or what you may hear, but do not worry, Madame Ximbonidoni is here to make sense of it all.”
“I’m so relieved,” said Randy, closing his eyes and putting out his hands. Unbeknownst to Randy a creature was emerging from the shadows beyond the curtains. This creature looked like he was trying to make hobbit feet for his cosplay, but somehow managed to get it all over himself while doing a bad Gollum impression. Randy heard bumps and snorts through the “atmospheric” sounds of what could only be the wind track off a Rankin Bass movie.
“Do not be alarmed, the spirits may be rowdy, but they give Madame Ximbonidoni insight into your future. I see a business meeting, and someone shaking your hand…”
“Really?” Randy said, “What do they look like?” It didn’t take much magic to see he was here on business. He doubted anyone here could really afford a suit like this and most wouldn’t wear theirs to a fortune teller.
“I see they like your pitch, they want to move forward in the area immediately and, with luck, onto other cities in the region…I see a promotion…and a full moon? No!”
“What does that mean?” Randy said, but then he felt something at his pocket. He opened his eyes and saw Gurgi staring at him. He quickly stood up and swung at the creature. “What the fuck is that?!” he yelled.
“You must leave immediately,” Madame Ximbonidoni yelled over the commotion.
“Not without my wallet!” Randy replied. The creature was growing in size and anger snarling and glaring all the while.
“Forget your wallet! If you value your life you will leave this place while you can, I can only restrain my son for so long! Please, I beg you!” She replied. It was then he noticed the hand motions she was making and the silver bands on the creature’s arms starting to give way. “Run!” It was too late though, the creature had broken his shackles to protect his mother from this perceived threat. The creature slashed and chomped at Randy, who was able to avoid him for a fairly long time. Randy ran for the table and grabbed his wallet and turned around to see the creature between him and the stairs out. Randy ran up on the creature and attempted to punch him in the face.
You know how when you throw things to dogs and they kind of react last second and somehow manage to catch it? Yeah…that happened, but like, with Randy’s arm. The creature was clearly just toying with his prey at this point.
“Enough!” Yelled a demonic channeling of voices through Madama Ximbonidoni. As she blasted the creature with a silver light. The creature began to change back into Frodo and Randy tried to run out. The loss of blood made him pass out though. The last thing he remembered was Madame Ximbonidoni saying, “Oh no no no, I don’t have much time…”
Randy awoke to his phone vibrating. It was his wife calling him to ask how the meeting went. She also wanted to know if the plan was still on for her and the kids to meet him tomorrow night to go to the theme park an hour or two away this weekend. Randy was pacing the room while he did this. Taking off his shirt to see if there was anything where the wolf had bit him. There was nothing there, but he did notice a half drunk bottle of jameson in the corner. “Honey, are you okay? You seem distracted.”
“Yeah, just…a weird dream I guess.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“What, no, I don’t think so.” Randy wasn’t so sure at this point. “I think I’d remember it, right?”
“Mmmhmm…We’ll talk later.” She sounded mad. This wasn’t the first time Randy had fallen back into the bottom of a bottle, but it felt so real this time. All of a sudden, he didn’t really feel so good. He went to the bathroom, threw up, and fell into the bathtub.
Randy awoke the next morning to a police siren and his clothes were gone and he was covered in blood. The sheriff stepped forward, “You don’t listen very well do you? I told you weird shit happens in this town.”
“Where am I,” Randy replied.”
“The question that really needs answering is where is she?”
“The fortune teller and her son.”
“I don’t know, I can take you where I last saw them, but can we stop by a Kohl’s or something first? I’m not wearing any pants.”
Now would be as good a time as any to mention that today’s article is sponsored by Kohl’s: It’s like JC Penney but you’ll be able to get your return in before they go out like Sears.
The Sheriff, in a twist more shocking than what is going on in the Depp v. Heard case, turned out to not be racist but a member of Prodigium. He was sent to track down and take in the son alive if possible. They go to the location where Ximbonidoni was last seen to find they vacated the building.
“You got bit didn’t you?” Asked the sheriff.
“Yeah, I think so.I don’t know, I can’t remember anything after-”
“Probably a spell. You are showing signs though. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to cage you tonight.”
“What the – I thought we were friends now!”
“No, we are cool, the other werewolf is going to want to challenge you for being in his territory, I can use that to bring him in and get the cure.”
“I suppose that makes as much sense as anything else thus far.”
“Way to think like a blockbuster screenwriter, pal.”
That evening, Randy is caged in a secluded area when the moonlight shines through the clouds. He turns into the Wolfman and howls into the night. Silence- and then – a cell phone ring. Then another howl pierced the soundscape of a cool late August evening. The Sheriff, having silver bullets, did not fear for his own safety from the wolves. He feared an appearance from the witch Ximbonidoni. She was far too powerful for him to take alone. If he could capture her son though, they could pull her in. He had to get him alive, no matter the cost.
The two werewolves tore at each other in the most epic fight ever put to screen. It combined all the elements of great fights before it. The darkness of the Black Panther fight, the unintelligible amalgamation of nonsense from the Transformers movies, and enough quick cuts that we got DeadMau5 to do the music for it to make it a full-on rave. The fight goes on for like a third of the movie and the fight moves from the woods into the town itself.
The fight continues onto the bridge into town that goes over a large river that is flowing heavily at this moment. The two are worn, the fight for dominance has left both of them tired and scarred. The two had to continue on in the moonlight. Blow after blow they fought. It’s like that one scene in “The Lion King,” you know the one. A pair of lights enters the scene. It’s Randy’s family come to join him. The son jumps on top of the vehicle and we hear a superimposed after the fact, “NOOOOOOO!” from Randy, but it sounds all wolfied. The sheriff takes his shot but it hits Randy instead. The silver bullet exited his body, but put enough silver in his bloodstream to force him into a state of constant transformation between werewolf and man. His family watched as he fell over the bridge and plummeted to the water below. The screen fades to black and we see Randy reading the enquirer detailing his “death.” We see the shadow of someone sitting down at his table.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
IT WAS ME, THE SHADOW WAS ME. ISN’T THAT TOO COOL?!?!?! Yeah, he joined up because I said my dad could help find a cure so he could go home without turning his family into chew toys. Neat shit man.
Keep following Poor Man’s Spoiler for more Monster Mashers articles from Toby.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)
A Note From Poor Man’s Spoiler
(None of this represents anything real, it is, once again, a satirical piece. No harm is meant to any parties involved. Especially the people “Toby” has cast in the roles of the classic film monsters.)