Toby continues his Avengers: Endgame inspired pitch for a new Cinematic Universe. And we don’t know why this is happening…
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)
“You know Orlock, and Cullen, and The Master, and Lestat, Eric, and Barnabas, and David, and Spike…but can you count like Count, the most famous vampire I left out?”
Look, everyone knows about Dracula,and if you don’t then you suck. That’s not a vampire pun, I don’t know what you are doing with your life or this site, you clearly don’t watch movies. For those of you who are cultured…I know that you know that I know you know all about all the Dracula movies, but I bet only like 3 movies and this article ever claimed they were true.
Vladimir Tepes just wanted to save his country and protect his people at all cost… Vlad’s father was the head of The Order of the Dragon, an occult group, before the invaders killed him. The Order of the Dragon knew of a way save their homes, but it came at a high cost. Vlad, knowing the risk all too well, allowed the cult to continue and managed to summon the devil himself for a bargain. Transported into the bowels of hell itself, Vlad stood face to face with Lucifer and asked, without fear, for the cost of the power to save his people. Lucifer admired his tenacity and promised that he would save his country and the world would know his name…it would just cost him an eternity in hell after the world ended. Not understanding the full context, Vlad agreed and was imbued with the power of a demonic being and received the dark mark. Upon his return, Vlad became the head of the Order of the Dragon by right and gained the title Dracula. That’s right folks, Dracula is a title, not a person per se. Think of it like the Bond Franchise, both are undead creatures sucking the life force out of one thing or another.
Yadda yadda yadda, Vlad champions his army right into the heart of the opposition and wins back his country and his throne with such overwhelming force and ferocity that the number of the dead did not satisfy him. It was like if Wolfenstein and Mortal Kombat had a baby that catholic parents could ironically say was ruining the sanctity of children.
Vlad held trials for those that were captured and killed them in the most gruesome ways possible. Those that were not impaled on spikes were sent down into the dungeons to rot – or be drained of all their blood, but the public didn’t need to know that.
Eventually, those in the dungeon were exhausted and Vlad had to find new ways of feeding his hunger. By day he was Wallachia’s savior, but by night he also became its demise. Soon, rumours of this night terror came to surface and many were convinced to leave. Vlad, of course, wrote this all up to superstition. Inevitably, as more and more people were found looking like empty human capri-sun packages, they decided that, maybe, it was best to move. Vlad receded into the shadows inside a forgotten kingdom in a forgotten land, unyielding and undying, building up his order. The Order, too, soon was used up and dried in one sense or another till all had forgotten The stylin,’, dark profiln’, bat flying, deluxe carriage riding, squealing and stealin’ son of the devil (WOO!).
You all have read the book, either because you like that sort of thing or an institution told you to and you proceeded to look up the sparknotes. Bram was actually part of the order though. Yep, in order to sew terror back into the hearts of men, Dracula’s spirit after Harker destroyed it, commissioned Stroker to tell the tale without leaving out a single bit of his part. Finding those who were drawn to the occult after that was far easier and soon the Order was back with a new mission: resurrect Vlad and create a new Dracula.
That brings us to today. For years, Dracula could only bolster enough strength to project his likeness to command his order. Finally, the Order had discovered a way to bring Dracula back to the world of the living, all they needed was the perfect vessel; someone to house the soul of their lord and usher in a new world order. The ritual was taking place in a secret location purposely away from prying eyes. So tell me how this dumb-ass curly-headed fucker managed to drunkenly stumble in like Randy Marsh and ruin everything?! Eric proceeds to critique and criticize the clichés and triteness of the whole thing, because of course he did – he can’t help himself. In the process of doing this, he was actually right about one thing and managed to set the stage perfectly. That’s when three of them stabbed him in the stomach with a pointy metal straw thing (like metal reusable capri sun straws [I wonder if Dad got any capri suns…]). They meant to just drain his blood to give to Vlad, but the holes allowed the spirit of Vlad to worm its way into Eric’s body and infuse him with his powers.
Eric retained his consciousness and soul and gained the powers and title of Dracula in return for harboring an ancient Romanian man who speaks really broken english. Guess who doesn’t know any Romanian either? Isn’t that fucking hilarious?!
As I suspected previously, Eric knew absolutely nothing about being a vampire and relied on movies for his education. He’s a dick though and couldn’t stop himself from critiquing them too – Some people are too dumb to learn lessons. He watched a bunch of off-the-wall choices to learn more about his new found state. Seriously though, no Buffy, Lost Boys, True Blood, hell, I’d even take From Dusk till Dawn. He just watched, like, Anne Rice and some video games. This boy is hopeless.
He’s like Star Lord if Chris Pratt never lost any of that weight and only thought he was funny and wasn’t. He also doesn’t lead, I do that…so…just fat and ruined Infinity War.
Keep following Poor Man’s Spoiler for more Monster Mashers articles from Toby.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)
A Note From Poor Man’s Spoiler
(None of this represents anything real, it is, once again, a satirical piece. No harm is meant to any parties involved. Especially the people “Toby” has cast in the roles of the classic film monsters.)