Toby’s Dark Universe: The Creatures from the Black Lagoon – Doug Jones & Sally Hawkins

Toby has a lot of plans for his Avengers: Endgame inspired Cinematic Universe. They’re all terrible. Next up is The Creature From The Black Lagoon.

(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)

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Every project of this magnitude needs directors and producers with their own visions and experiences that add to what you are trying to achieve. One of the greatest and most imaginative directors making movies today, is the great Guillermo Del Toro. He and his crew are great at taking the things in their dreams and nightmares and molding them into reality. Most recently, he was able to even be recognized by the academy (finally) for his work with his film, “The Shape of Water.” Which is a great way to organically transition to the this next point – we need a guy who is good at playing aquatic creatures.

Oscar Shark Tale Will Smith
Is there anything he can’t do? Besides After Earth…and Suicide Squad…and Bright…HE PUNCH AN ALIEN ONCE!

It’s a real shame that there isn’t someone in Hollywood who does amazing character work and has spent a fair amount of time as aquatically based creatures. Oh wait, Doug Jones exists. We’ll use him. What’s that?The creature from the Shape of Water kind of looks like Gill Man too? Perfect, we’ll just make “The Shape of Water,” the first film for this character. You know the character, you see a base humanity. There’s a beauty to that and it brings something to the character. How do we get this character into today’s world. I’m glad you asked.

After “The Shape of Water,” ends, the two lovers return to the Amazonian paradise that the amphibian man (henceforth called Gill) came from. The people of this lost tribe were delighted that their god had returned and welcomed Eliza with open arms. Over time, Eliza was able to bring parts of her world to theirs and advance the culture into a new El Dorado. The gold, however, was a pride and love for community. Eliza was also able to teach Gill more and more about being more human and Gill sustained her youth and beauty. For years, they remained unbothered by the havoc of the world outside, building a Wakanda like paradise hidden by what remained of the rainforest. That is until ghosts from the past come to their land.

Tim Strickland, son of Rick Strickland (played by Rami Malek),

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Tell me they don’t look enough alike.

has located the tribe after years of searching and being guided by his father’s journal. After Gill killed Michael Shannon, his widower became an alcoholic and addicted to otc medication…which didn’t mix well one time and she died too. Timmy and his sister grew up wards of the state, their only shared possession of their former life was a journal written by the most overtly masculine character in a film since Jon Wayne pretending he wasn’t a raging homosexaul. Tim grew up angry and read the journal cover to cover every night before he slept hoping to give some clue to his father’s killer. His sister was not as concerned with that as she was with finding a new family. She did and she disowned her brother to get back into the lap of luxury.

Tim no longer cared about his mother’s demise or his sister’s betrayal. Those are were just chain events from the first domino falling; his father’s death. It didn’t add up, the report said that Eliza killed her, but that did not add up to the wounds found on the body. The journal held the answer, he knew it. He swore that, one day, he would find his father’s killer and avenge his family, whether they wanted to be a part of it or not. It’s what his dad would had wanted.

Tim was never adopted and when he turned 18 he enlisted in the navy and worked his way into being admitted into the Navy Seals. Cold, calculating, ruthless, Tim became the go to person when a job needed done. One mission had him overthrowing a democratically elected South American goverment with communist learnings in favor of a pro-american dictatorship that would throw the county into turmoil, but keep gas prices low in a re-election year…

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While there, he noticed murals and ancient depictions of an amphibious man. He grabbed a local and forced them to explain. It all made sense now, this was the key missing in his father’s journal. Now all he had to do was get an army and come back for revenge. Which was exactly what he did.

Meanwhile, Gill and Eliza were helping the tribe prepare for their annual celebration of the rain season. Building aqueducts to power their utopia, the city loved rain season as it allowed them to push their advancements in their technology. Gill was having a difficult time leading however as he now longer felt the most fit to do so. He wasn’t as smart or able to pick up on all this new science as quickly as the others and often felt more of a burden then a leader as he once did. He was considering standing down to a more ceremonial role. One the ever of their ceremony he would give his drown to that he found most worthy. He and Eliza could finally start a family and not worry about the day to day of their world.

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Unfortunately, they never got this chance as a storm of troops butchered their way threw the parade causing mass panic and bloodshed. While being more advanced them most forgotten tribes, the army was still not match for modern weaponry and Gill was quickly overwhelmed by the need to heal. Eliza did her best to guide the weak and defenseless to saver area. A whistle pierced the air and the violence stopped. They had captured their prize; Gill. A man stepped from the forest with a large gun and walked towards Gill. He put the gun away and pulled out a picture.

“You don’t recognize me, do you?” Tim said. Gill did not, but Eliza did immediately, the madness in his eyes must have been hereditary. She moved towards them, careful not to reveal her location.

“Here’s the deal fishface: You are coming with me so we can have a little chat. Man to man – man to fish. Whatever you want to call yourself, doesn’t matter to me freak.” Gill only slightly understood. Tim removed a picture from his pocket, “You killed this man and ruined my life,” Tim said revealing his father. Gill became enraged and a gunshot sounded through the streets. An elder fell to the ground, dead.

“Don’t make this hard, people get hurt when you play hard.” Eliza ran to the woman to see if the was anything that could be done.

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Tim grabbed Eliza by the arm. Gill broke free and began to fight his way towards them. Tim shot him in the chest and Gill fell into the water next to them.

“Take her with us…he’ll follow and we can finish this.” Hours past and by the time Gill recovered fully, Eliza was long gone.The tribe tried to track them, but they lost track when the flying machines took off. Gill didn’t need that though, he could feel her out there, waiting for him. Gill was left was a terrible choice: betray those that revered him or let go of the one woman who showed him his humanity and loved him. A young woman from his war council stepped forward.

“Go. I can look after them while you are gone.” Gill looked at her confused by her compassion, “ She brought out the best in you, now go before they get much further. Gill nodded and swam as fast as he could up the amazon river towards the ocean. From there, he adjusted and moved towards the coast of Florida. In the Everglades, Gill lost track of Eliza and had given up hope…until a mysterious stranger reached out and came up with a plan…

To be continued.

Keep following Poor Man’s Spoiler for more Monster Mashers articles from Toby.

You can check out Toby’s thoughts on Avengers: Endgame here, his explanation for these profiles here, and check out the previous profiles at the links below:

The Invisible Man
The Wolfman
Jekyll & Hyde
Dracula

Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)
Eric Brockett
Faces have been censored to protect the innocent.

Image via Universal

A Note From Poor Man’s Spoiler
(None of this represents anything real, it is, once again, a satirical piece. No harm is meant to any parties involved. Especially the people “Toby” has cast in the roles of the classic film monsters.)

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