After seeing Avengers Endgame, Toby began work on his own Cinematic Universe. We’re not sold on it yet, but he keeps going…
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)
To say The Mummy (2019) was a bad movie that should have never been made and deserved to flop would be to say that John Wick’s reaction to any sort of inconvenience doesn’t make him an unstoppable sociopathic killing machine, but, rather, just another good person on the other side.
I’m going to say this with those hand emojis that people use for emphasis NO👏ONE👏LIKES👏TOM👏CRUISE👏. The man is weird, unlikable… and just to go away. On top of that, the man is like 56 to 57. You can’t start a franchise with someone that old in that pivotal of a role. Yeah, the dude takes care of himself and does his own stunts, but one day, much like we all hope for Tom Brady, age is going to catch up. When it does, it’s going to hit him where L. Ron Hubbard doesn’t shine. So before we begin on saving this franchise, let me reiterate to Hollywood one last time:
As I identified above, age is an issue when starting a multi-million dollar franchise. You don’t want your starts leaving after a decade (looking at you Evans!). Plus, this didn’t need to be a reboot, just a refresher. The best person to lead you back into the world of The Mummy, is the guy who starred in it; Brendan Fraser. He’s younger, familiar with the franchise, and, much like his career, used to dealing with things that come back from the dead.
The Tom Cruise movie already took care of the Ahmanet problem, but I want to raise that back up from the dead and re-kill it. The reason they made this character a woman was because the idea they had for the character they wanted to make was too similar to Apocalypse.
- Making your character into a woman because it’s is different, doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. More often than not, trying to be progressive for the sake of being progressive backfires horribly, see the 2016 election for democrats. If there is not sound reasoning as to why your character is or isn’t doing something outside of their gender, then your character is bad in all ways they could identify.
- You already have a great pair of villains and one of them is a woman with great motivation; Imhotep and Anck-Su-Amun.
The majority of critics agreed the first two mummy movies in that series were not the greatest films ever made, but were unapologetically fun. The goal for this film should have been, “How do we bring in some critical acclaim to our already revered and well-received films?” not “How do we start the universe before we even make a good movie?” Much like a relationship, you don’t throw everything away because one piece isn’t working; you talk it out and find out why it doesn’t work and you fix it. I lived in an unfinished basement for years and never attended a real school and I know that. So let’s sit down, talk it out, and fix these movies.
Rick O’Connell hasn’t seen a mummy in years, not since the China incident,BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT. He and Eve have returned to Cairo. Eve has become the director of a prestigious museum and Rick assists with that when his is not helping the Majji with keeping people away from tombs that should not be unearthed. Unfortunately, they were not aware of Ahmanet’s tomb and did not anticipate the events of the previous film.
Rick returned home one day from the field to find his son, Alex, home from England. His face was grim. He had gone away to become an agent for a secret order that attempts to curb out supernatural events before they become mainstream. Their last director, Dr. Jekyll, bit off more than he could chew with controlling Ahmanet and Set has been set loose on the world of men. This greatly upset the Majji as Set could bring back the other’s they were sworn to protect and start a war against the sun. After assuring everyone that it wouldn’t come to that, Alex revealed that the new director of Prodigium, T, has sent him in hopes of recruiting someone WHO HAS DEALT WITH MUMMIES BEFORE, you know, because that is something a logical person would do, not try to control a literal god for your own stupid army that could barely handle his servant. Rick and the Majji are forced to agree.
The goals are clear: The Majji are going to break into the old Prodigium base and recover the sarcophagus of Ahmanet. Rick, Alex, and Eve are going to track down this new arbiter of Set and stop him before he can raise his followers from the dead.
The family travels through the desert towards Hamunaptra, as they suspect that Set will want to raise his two largest supporters in the underworld – Imhotep and Anck-Su-Amun. If this were to happen, they would raise an army of the undead and be able to take over the world as we know it. Unfortunately, they are too late. Set has already raised the two of them and now with Chris and himself, there are 4 zombies that need taken out. Intelligently, they split up as well.
The Majji are about to break into the the base when they find it surprisingly easy to get into…almost like it was a setup. It wasn’t though, the director came out, greeted them and asked if they would be interested in joining him as they have years of experience in dealing with threats like this and their knowledge could prove invaluable. They are stunned at the humility of the director and agree to work with each other so as to learn more from each other to prevent threats like this. The only terms that the Majji had are to return Ahmanet to her original burying place. The director couldn’t agree more as the tomb’s location was still widely unknown even to the Majji and went undisturbed for thousands of years. Besides, if she did get out, better have her in the middle of nowhere than the middle of a bustling city. Again:
After some shenanigans, the O’Connell’s managed to track down Chris and Anck-Su-Amun and kill them. Unfortunately, Imhotep saw the latter and developed his own plan for revenge. They catch up to Tom Cruise trying to scale up the side of a pyramid with his bare hands or something weird and unnecessary like that. A fight ensues and it is clear they are outmatched. The Majji arrive in the nick of time and help turn the tide. What none of them realized though was where they were and how dastardly their plan was. There was one more person that Set planned to raise from the dead. The horrible cgi monster that kind of resembles Dwayne Johnson if you squint and cock your head. Such a creature would be the leader of the army of the dead and would scare people so much they wouldn’t put up a fight. I mean, look at this thing: This movie came out years after Jurassic Park and it puts this film to shame. This is like something I would have fought on my PS2 back in 2001. Horrifying really, when you think about it. Alex was busy fighting this creature while Rick dealt with Tom Cruise. Rick was no match though. The advantage he had in age did not make up for the fact that he was built like the everyman and not some weird person who probably picked out the strawberry seeds and ate them individually. Alex retained some of the wisdom from when he wore the armband from the Second movie and was able to defeat this boss and collect his exp. Points when he saw that his dad had lost. Set was jumping on Rick’s chest cavity like it was a tv show host’s couch. It was over, Set could just bring back the other people, someone had to defeat him – or Imhotep could stab him and absorb his powers in order to bring back Anck-Su-Amun. That’s what happens anyway. While totally in line with his character, imhotep has turned the tide against himself for hubris once again got the better of him. Alex was quickly able to dispatch him and save the day. Was it too late for Rick though? Oh yeah, that dude was dead, like so ded. Imhotep laughed, looked at Alex, then at Tick, then back at Alex and said as he died again, “Death is only the beginning.”
Alex had to make a judgement call. One I completely respect as i cannot imagine losing my father. Alex placed the soul of Set into his father, someone who was pure enough to balance out the evil. With Eve’s help reading from the book of the dead, Rick was brought back as a “mummy” of sorts and retained the best parts of himself. He was now the asset that prodigium was looking for. Will get to that another time though.
Keep following Poor Man’s Spoiler for more Monster Mashers articles from Toby.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)
A Note From Poor Man’s Spoiler
(None of this represents anything real, it is, once again, a satirical piece. No harm is meant to any parties involved. Especially the people “Toby” has cast in the roles of the classic film monsters.)