The final (thank god) entry in Toby’s Cinematic Universe. Himself.
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the Founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. This week Toby is diving into the next big Cinematic Universe, one he created himself. We apologize.)
Well, dear reader, you made it to the end, and therefore the best. My story. Now, it is hard to believe someone like me would have ever experienced such hardship, such pain, but alas, here we are. First, thank you for pushing through the tedious drivel that was everyone else’s stories (especially Eric’s). Your patience has been rewarded. You are probably wondering how someone as cool, smart, and sexy (the ladies love the eye patch) came to lead The Monster Mashers. Well, sit on down as I tell the tale of L’imbécile Qui Vit Dans un Sous-sol or The Hunchback.
As you read in my father’s origin story, the government was seeking to stop him from curing chemtrails when a reaction caused my mother and I to be pulled into the space-time continuum.The government feared the arrival of the chosen one, one of such purity that chemtrails would have no effect. Their assassination attempt would only delay their destruction… Well, somehow, we ended up in 15th century France. Why France? Why that century? Dude, I don’t know. Why did Harry Potter end up with a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt instead of a penis?
Some old white Christian guys saw a woman and a baby appear out of nowhere and they acted quickly to remove the second-biggest threat after homosexuals: witches. They chased us down on horseback and trampled my mother and I. She was clearly already dead, but they had no idea how to determine that at the time and didn’t want her coming back to life and stealing their essence. They gathered everyone in the area and spent hours trying to catch a duck while they had the carpenter build an oversized scale so they could [determine] if my mom weighed the same as a canadian goose (they couldn’t catch a duck). My mother’s corpse was burned at the stake for being a witch. A judge took mercy on me and assumed my grotesque figure was due to some satanic ritual that could be undone. Nah, babies are squishy and being sucked through time and space puts a lot of pressure on the body. I was fully grown by the time I was three. Which makes the rest of this really sad. Judge Rolo (like the candy) was nice I guess, but he was boring. He didn’t have any games on his phone, because he was so old and so dumb that he didn’t even know what a phone was. To get me to shut up, he let me ring the bells in the church I lived in every hour. That got boring too though. Seriously, that came to be as much fun as playing ‘I Spy’ with Helen Keller. She always had the same answer:
I didn’t have any googly eyes with me, so I had to improvise making some for my gargoyle friends with bird poop and little raisins I found. I liked to imagine that they sang songs. What I wanted more than anything was to go outside every now and then, but Rolo thought people wouldn’t understand me and seek to kill me without the protection of the church. So he locked me away in a secret room in the church only he knew how to get to. The church has a way with children that hasn’t changed since that point either.
One day, I was up in the tower when I saw this beautiful girl dancing around for a parade or something and I decided I had to see more. I broke out and went right into the crowd. They loved my costume. For the first time in forever (fuck, now that song is stuck in my head) I felt like everyone else. Rolo didn’t know shit. Except he totally did. Once those assholes realized I wasn’t wearing a costume, they locked me in the pillory and threw rotten food at me. To remind you all again, I was three. I didn’t understand that I was too sexy and smart for them to comprehend and that throwing rotten food at me was the only way for them to be able to bask in my presence, because that is the only reason people ever throw rotten food at you.
I remember crying because I just wanted my mom and I wanted to go home, but I couldn’t. A gentle hand wiped away my tears and I looked up to see the dancing girl from earlier. Her name was Esmeralda and she was the first person to ever show me kindness; she was my best friend and I loved her. Not in like a Disney way, I don’t know why I need to keep saying this but I was a highly advanced three year old, I had no idea what romance was. This wouldn’t be the last time Disney ruined a story to make a buck though:
While my intentions were pure, apparently a lot of people had a lot of impure thoughts about this young woman I was honored to call my friend. There was Phobo or Beavis or something like that, some other guy who I never met, and then Rolo. Yeah, that last one was really weird to find out. Mainly because it’s always weird to walk in on a guy singing to a fireplace while beating his meat. That was not my fault though, proper etiquette would have been to leave a note or a sock on the door. Rolo is exactly why I live in my own room now- no roommates for me. Rolo felt bad about that though and asked me if I wanted to have a sleepover with Esmeralda. I was way too hype about this and may have sort of accidentally kidnapped her. For the third time, I was three. I didn’t know any better, please don’t judge me.
A ton of shit was happening though, while Rolo and I were drafting our roommate agreement. Before we had sat down to do that, Rolo had sent Phuckboi to go and collect Esmeralda as she was clearly a witch with how hypnotically she danced. Phuckboi fell in love too, and then there were these Juggalos who wanted to overthrow the bourgeoisie or something. They had all these weird codes though, like, “ You have to get married to who I say you marry or I’m going to kill you,” or “No Korn.” Not like the early 90s group, there was another band called Korn that used this weird pipe thing to create this metallic sound. You may have heard their song at renaissance festivals played by mandolin bands. It was called ‘monstre en laisse.’ Anyway, they wanted Esmeralda to marry some guy, and she said no, so one group wanted to follow the code while the other was like, “no, that’s fucked up.” So they fought and Phuckboi managed to get her out, which he thought was a great endeavor deserving of her hand of affection. She turned him down too and so he brought her to the judge who gave her similar options and she, again, declined. So they decided to light her on fire.
Now, the Juggalos from earlier wanted to kill her and the soldier wanted to kill her and the church wanted to kill her. It was like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos except there was just one lesbian marble in the middle. That’s right, she was a lesbian. That’s why she turned them all down, but no one bothered to ask. All this shit went down because a patriarchal society enabled a bunch of men to instill their will on a woman who wanted nothing to do with any of them. Fellas, the real key to any long lasting, healthy, happy relationship is a willingness to listen. Remember, consent is vital and it is important that we accept ‘no’ as an answer. Otherwise, it could end up in a three-way, knock-down, drag-out battle over who gets to kill the pretty lesbian. To avoid that just remember the golden rule; do unto others as you would have done onto you. And come into the conversation not wanting to command or get defensive, but do what even a giant idiot who lives in a basement and writes movie blogs would do:
Where was I during all of this? Well, when I said Rolo and I were discussing a roommate agreement, what I meant was that he was chaining me to the bell tower and I was proposing less kinky options. I was forced to sit back and watch the destruction unfold as the pyre burned and grew ever closer to my friend. It reminded me of the way I lost my mother, except that by this point she was already dead and Esmeralda was very much alive. I couldn’t let her die if I could help it. I summoned every ounce of my weird adult body toddler strength and broke my restraints. I used the chains to Spiderman my way down and ran towards to pyre. I swung chains like a hentai horror through the crowds of angry men wanting to be the one to kill her. I looked like something between Ghostrider, Kratos, and a Ditto trying to transform into another Ditto transforming into a Machoke; awkwardly shaped, but badass.
This may surprise you… but I am terrified of fire. I know, what a human weakness for someone who is so cool. I mean, Martian Manhunter is amazing and he’s weak to fire too, so bite me. I mustered every ounce of courage I had in my body and climbed the pyre through the fire and got to my friend. She had passed out from the lack of oxygen, but was still alive from what I could tell. I broke her out and climbed the church tower and screamed sanctuary. That worked for some guy hiding from the soldiers once, so I thought it would apply here. The soldiers and the juggalos went home. No one would have the audacity to enter the church to kill.
Rolo came in to try and talk me into giving her up, stating that he had always had my best interest at heart. I wanted to believe him. He was the closest thing I had to a parent at that point. I agreed that we need to get her medical attention. I turned to pick Esmeralda off the bed and this old fucking bitch stabbed me in the hump. It didn’t really hurt, but the nerve of some people, you know? The hump sprayed hump oil into Rolo’s eyes, blinding him. I had had enough of this geezer, so I went to push his shoulders and square up. I didn’t know my own strength though, because I launched that guy over the side of the church into a pool of molten rock below. France is weird man, I have no idea why that was there. Esmeralda had died. This beautiful soul who just wanted to help people and be left alone was killed for not wanting to marry a man. Could you imagine something so silly? So absurd as killing another person over who they love? Glad that doesn’t happen today.
I couldn’t attend Esmeralda’s funeral. Rolo was an old white guy, so when one of them is killed, the powers that be do not stop looking to find his killer. I visited her grave a few days later before she was buried. I know it sounds creepy, but I wanted to see her one last time. The only person besides my mother to ever show me any kindness and I had let her die. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to thank her for showing me that there is beauty in humanity if you look for it. I held her in my arms and I was suddenly pulled away back to this time by my father. Apparently this scared the shit out of Alexandre Dumas, because he wrote a whole book about it.
My dad told me everything that was happening and I told him what went on with me. I went to London and beat up this guy trying to capture me and ended up leading his organization after I had bested him in mortal kombat. I don’t understand it either, but I got a cool jacket and an eye patch. Now it’s time to run up on bitches and save the world. Are you ready to do the monster mash?
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)