Toby was a Game of Thrones fan.
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
The finale starts with Dany sitting on the throne. Drogon is behind her, ever protective of his mother. Ash is gently falling down around the the line room, leaving everything to appear as though a wave of ice has covered the once sheltered enclosure. She is feeding on the charred remains of a baby or a puppy or something. It doesn’t matter, whatever gets the point across that she has gone mad really quickly somehow despite the slow build up over eight seasons. It needs to feel so forced that Alabama thinks we’ve gone too far.
Jon Snow enters; he is brooding and clearly upset. “Dany, how could you do this? They were innocent!” He continues on for like, idk, five minutes…Dany laughs menacingly, “You know nothing Jon Snow! I am a Queen, and I am an icon, and-” A loud booming voice ruptures the very nature of their existence. “What is this shit? This is all wrong!” The scene cuts to darkness and HBO displays a message to remain calm. Their servers explode and forums run rampant with death threats and calls to arm. An HBO exec comes on the screen and reveals that they have no idea how this happened. Filming wrapped up weeks ago, and the actors’ contracts are up. They don’t even have to come back to finish the show if they don’t want to. Outrage ensues.
Israel and Palestine have signed a treaty to cease their engagements until Benioff and Weiss are brought to justice. The thing is, no one has seen them in weeks…People are filled with a righteous fury and have no outlet to take their rage out on. They decide the rich will do. The revolution has begun. Months go by and anarchy has overcome most of the free world. Factions of armed militias and tribes have formed based on their favorite houses. JK Rowling even managed to pull a ton of Potterheads into her group, Dumbledore’s Army 2.0, by stating that Harry’s favorite house would have been the Baratheons. Also, Theon is Hagrid’s son from another dimension.
The fighting goes on for months until a truce is called to combine their efforts into finding GRRM and D&D to finally learn how it was supposed to end. A quest for their new grail had begun. Nothing else mattered: skin color, sexual orientation, gender, political party–all of that was second to your house and your duty to the throne. No one could find them though. What they did find was a letter advising them to tune in to HBO for the season finale of Watchmen.
Panic ensued across the globe. No one had an HBO subscription any more; what was the point? Were they supposed to be excited for Euphoria? People squandered to collect enough of what what left of currency and electronics to purchase HBO subscriptions. The show began as normal and no one was really that impressed. Suddenly the feed cuts to one of D&D bound and gagged in an undisclosed location. They are bleeding and crying. It’s clear Weiss has shit his pants.
From out of the shadows a portly figure appears. The portly man grabs the gag out of Weiss’ mouth. “Tell them.” Weiss was convulsing with tears and drool pooling across valleys of dried blood and snot. A hand smacks the absolute shit out of him as he falls to the ground still tied to the chair. “I’m not playing games you little bastard. Tell them! TELL THEM WHAT YOU DID TO ME.”
Weiss waits silently. His mind is gone, and he can no longer be of any real help. “Fine.” The portly man places the gag back and moves on to Benioff. “All I want is for you to tell them. Do this and it can all end today. You want that, don’t you?” Benioff nods. The portly man removes the gag. “It started after season 1. Once we knew the show was going to be a success…Daniel and I knew you would never let it end. We drugged you and seduced you with so many finer things that you would be sedated long after we had jumped ship.”
“You didn’t want me to finish the books, did you?” Benioff shook his head. This surprises the portly man enough that the top of his head is revealed. He is wearing a cap. In less effort than it would take Barristan Selmy to slaughter the former Kingsguard, the portly man pulls a pair of pliers from his back pocket and grabs Weiss’ tongue.
“Your turn, you dumb bastard. Tell them why your plan to keep me out didn’t work.” Weiss looks down at his hands. He starts, “Once we had run out of source material. We had to just wing it. HBO wanted it to keep going to as long as we could have it make sense…that lasted half a season.” The portly man pulls out large stack of paper. On it is written The Last Book of A Song of Ice and Fire.
“You never thought to consult me?”
“We thought you would die! You were supposed to die you fat fuck-” Weiss yelps as the portly man backhands him.
“So you wanted to end the show but lacked the talent or brains to do it right. You think you can just end my show this way and run off to Star Wars? You think Kennedy can protect you from me?”
We still haven’t seen the man’s face, but it’s clear he knows them. “This was supposed to be an allegory for global warming. This was supposed to wake them all up!” The man laughs. “The force clearly isn’t with you boys…” He picks up a large sword that looks like Ice. The man’s face is clear on screen. It’s GRRM…except his face looks…off. He suddenly pulls his face off to reveal he was actually Al Gore the whole time. “This is how you subvert expectations. The fans send their regards.” He chops of their heads and suddenly the show starts at the end of season 4, only it makes way more sense and the quality is second to none.
An HBO exec walks out and reveals that the spinoffs were really them allowing GRRM time to finish the book and hire someone better to continue making the show great. The internet explodes with glee, and Star Wars is delayed from digging more into their own grave. Everyone wins.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)