Helpless People on Subway Trains Scream for God to End This Film – Godzilla 1998

With Godzilla returning to the big screen this weekend, Eric takes a look back at the original 1998 film.

Have you ever listened to a young child tell you a story, and it’s clear that they were either raised by television or they lack the life experience to have much of an imagination to pull from? It goes a little something like this: their favorite movie met with the movie they just saw with a little bit of a random cartoon thrown in. That story is more entertaining and coherent than whatever you would call this thing that flashed up on the screen.

It is clear from the get go that there is a fundamental lack of understanding of the creation of Godzilla, the relevancy and warning of its themes, and, more importantly, a lack of any skill  that would go into the creation of a film. The film opens with Godzilla attacking a small fishing boat and then immediately cuts to Matthew Broderick’s audition tape for The Producers. Rather, he is going to Chernobyl to electrocute the ground and collect irradiated worms in the rain. Yep…that’s the protagonist.

pogo sticks
I too put jumper cables on pogo sticks, probably not for the same reasons…

He is immediately told to stop   by some government suits. He is upset that he can’t continue the work and we are suppose to care, but at this point in the film, he could be collecting worms to baby bird to Gamera, the turtle kaiju, for all I know. We then cut to the first rip off of a better movie as he takes a helicopter ride to an island that looks fairly tropical; I could almost hear the John Williams score. We then find out Godzilla walked here and there is a giant footprint. They introduce a paleontologist, a more qualified individual, that will have very little to do with the plot besides say, “Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.” This transitions to a scene of a woman we have seen a photograph of in Worm Guy’s suitcase. If you missed that brief(case) moment, then you’d have no idea that this was the same movie and not a pilot for What Women Want.

This is like the first 12ish minutes. This is not a plot synopsis, this is to point out how terrible the pacing, plotting, and direction are in this movie. I had to pause the movie and say to my girlfriend (who had no idea what I was talking about), “What the fuck just happened?”

Honestly, I don’t even want to put more effort into my review than they put into their shit film, so I’m just going to list things that bothered me and maybe rant about those. At least they’ll have a linear structure.

  • What led the government to believe that the unknown creature had anything to do with Tatopoulos’ field the effects of nuclear radiation?
  • Wouldn’t a Herpetologist be a better option?
  • There is a scene to ask Tatopoulos if he has a love interest so that we can clarify that Audrey is suppose to be his girl and not Seymour’s – it all happens suddenly.
  • How did Godzilla get from French Polynesia to NYC without more significant sightings and a world government going, “Holy shit, we need to do something!”
  • The movie later touches on this with a nice picture:french nuke testing
  • The arrows are going the opposite direction that Godzilla did
  • Godzillas design and origin in this movie are related to the idea of a radiated iguana
    • Iguanas are endothermic and will succumb to paralysis if temps go under 30-40s for long periods of time
    • You are telling me that a giant iguana made it from the pacific ocean to the northern atlantic ocean with no issue…K…
  • Why is Godzilla even going to NYC? I understand that it is trying to collect a large amount of food and nest, but there are way better places to collect a lot of food and nest that aren’t giant metropolises.
  • “How do we date our movie? I know, let’s give the “smartest” guy in movie a kodak disposable camera and have him take picutres of FUCKING TOP SECRET GOVERNMENT SHIT AND A GIANT MONSTER THAT THEY ARE LITERALLY SAYING THEY HAVE BLACKED OUT!
    • BUT HER EMAILS
      • THIS FUCKER LITTERALY SNAPS A PICTURE OF GODZILLA WHEN IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM WITH THE FUCKING FLASH STILL ON
        • PLEASE DIE SO I CAN STOP THIS MOVIE
  • How does one blackout coverage of a creature that can step through the MetLife building with ease?
  • Someone made this for this occasion. You cannot tell me this is a pre-programmed option that the government can use:
    • fish icon
  • Why didn’t they just poison the fish instead of trying to shoot a behemoth of an iguana with bullets?
  • Godzilla actively dodges missiles better than I dodge the point my girlfriend makes in an argument.
  • This has to be the most incompetent military in the history of film since Dr. Strangelove and that was a comedy on purpose.
  • D-Did they just use a mountain lion’s roar for the power breath?
    • Why is it orange?
      • My headcanon is now that he is just exhaling sex panther
    • This guy just missed a fucking dinosaur that’s larger than the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, hit the Chrysler building and tried to play it off like, “Ooops, my b.”
      • This is too funny to me.
        • Imagine that working in the history of ever in any other situation
          • “Hey, so I was aiming at a bear and accidently shot your baby…my b, I’ll get you a new one.”
            • Would put down fat stacks to watch Stay Puft vs Godzilla
              • I don’t get paid enough to lay down fat stacks
            • How is Audrey just going to walk into the pharmacy, see Tatopoulos buying 46 dollars worth of pregnancy test, and only ask, “ Are you mad at me?”
              • Also, FUUUUUUUCK this character and everything she stands for. They wanted to try and make her the woman who stands up for herself and gets what she wants, but all she does is cry and talk about Niko or how much she hates her boss. She actively uses Niko’s trust in her for her own gain and just expects him to forgive her because she wanted to impress him by actually becoming a reporter?
                • So she lied, used him, lied again, guilt tripped him, quit her job….seems like a great female empowerment story to me…men should honestly stop trying to write strong female characters if they aren’t going to do it right.
  • The last third of this movie can be summed up in this image:

ffs

There you go, a shit criticism for a shit film. I’m going to bed.

Rating: 0/5

Image via TriStar Pictures

Written by Eric Brockett
(Eric is a millennial and thus thinks his opinion on the internet matters. Sometimes he has opinions on films too. He thinks people care. He knows they don’t.)
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