I wish Nietzsche said Godzilla was Dead Instead – Godzilla: King of the Monster Review

Godzilla returned to theaters and the result wasn’t as good as expected. Check out our thoughts on Godzilla: King of the Monsters.

I’d like to start this review with a letter:

Dear Whichever Idiot Greenlit this Project despite everything,

I just finished Godzilla 1998. Have you seen this movie? It’s absolutely terrible. Sets the bar real low. You can read about it here. I’ll wait… You done? How is your movie worse? I had no expectations, and even those weren’t met. I really don’t know if you could make a worse movie on purpose. Please stop.

Sincerely,

Eric

Thank you for indulging me, reader, I wish I had anything positive to say about this movie. I wish I could say it is worth your time and money as much as I wish I got into a car accident that prevented me from seeing this film and wasting my time.

For the 1998 version, Roger Ebert said something to the effect of, “Abandon logical reasoning, as it is not welcome here,” which if applied to this filmed would read more along the lines of, “Abandon all thoughts, as you will not need them here.” This film is mindless drivel the likes of which could not be replicated by dropping a typewriter down several flights of stairs. Everyone in this movie is worthless, as their characters add nothing, do nothing, and/or say nothing. Yet the movie chooses to focus on them. There are 17 kaiju in this movie. Oh, sorry, titans, as kaiju cannot be expected to be comprehended by an American audience. Any one of those titans would be a better focus than any of the humans in this movie.

The fights in this movie aren’t even good. They didn’t even take the criticisms of the 2014 film and actually show us the fights. Instead, they are doing so in the background while we watch the humans pretend that we care about any of them–that we paid to see anyone besides Mille Bobby Brown. They could all die, and I wouldn’t blink.

I came for one reason: to watch a giant radioactive prehistoric lizard kick the shit out of anything that tries to tell him what to do. Instead, I saw blips of each fight and watched Godzilla get his ass handed to him three times in a row while the humans insisted he was the best option. It’s the equivalent of the Knicks continuing to say they are a relevant basketball team. You couldn’t even give us a good fight?

Well, at least there is a good message… Oh wait, there isn’t. They literally pulled the inverse of the original message. Godzilla was a statement about how the damage that we do to each other and this planet will be doubled by the planet. Godzilla absorbs nuclear energy and unleashes it back at humanity: a consequence for our actions. In this movie, nukes save the day as they recharge Godzilla like he’s a fucking battery. He also fully endorses freedom molecules.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t understand Godzilla, its fans, or the people that produce these films. From other reviews though, I doubt this.

Don’t see this movie. Do not waste your time.

Idk if I can go below 0, but I didn’t think they could make a worse Godzilla movie either…

-12/5

Written by Eric Brockett
(Eric is a millennial and thus thinks his opinion on the internet matters. Sometimes he has opinions on films too. He thinks people care. He knows they don’t.)

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